Putting an end to procrastination is not about being smarter; it is about creating smarter goals. You may have heard this advice about time management, “Winners Focus, Losers spray.” Procrastinators often get off into distractions and land up doing many other things than what they intend. Thus, the living room is still unpainted, the car continues to needs a tune up, the Christmas cards remain on the dining room table unmailed, and you still can’t park your car in the garage.

My husband is a “sprayer,” so I have witnessed this up close and personal. “Honey, the light is out in the back bathroom. Will you please put a new one in?” I ask sweetly. Nice guy that he is he replies, “Sure, no problem. I’ll just go into the garage and get a new bulb.” Twenty minutes later he comes back, not realizing that he has derailed himself looking for a tool that he misplaced over the weekend. As he turns toward the hallway that leads to the bathroom his eyes light on a magazine that just came in the mail. He picks it up and begins to leaf through it while standing in readiness, bulb in hand. An article takes his fancy and he reads more deeply, still poised for flight. I remind him of the dark bathroom, and as he goes down the hall he notices that the light is on in his office and he forgot to turn his computer off. A half hour later the phone rings and he gets up from his computer to speak with a good friend for an hour. You know the rest. The bathroom is forgotten for now, and the light is still out. That is an example of expert spraying, and spraying is for losers.

Winners focus, so the first step in successfully moving forward to completing a project is to set S.M.A.R.T. goals. ”S” stands for specific and concrete. Sandy’s goal is to fix up her bedroom. What does “fix up” mean? Is she going to paint it, get new furniture, pick up her clothes, or all of these? If Sandy says that she is going to paint the walls, buy a new bed and a new spread we know exactly what her goal is. She will be able to give herself a pat on the back when she has accomplished it.

“M” means measurable. Wendy’s goal is to lose weight. Bravo! But although it is specific it is not measurable. How much weight does Wendy want to lose? If she sets out to lose ten pounds she will know when she is successful by looking at the scale. Without a number to shoot for she will never reach her goal and will feel miserable.

“A” is for Attainable. Sometimes we overestimate our ability to reach our goal. Speaking of weight, I once taught a weight control class that met for 8 weeks. One attendee, Lupe, set a goal of losing 20 pounds in that time despite my warning about setting herself up for disappointment. Sure enough, on the last night, when others were smiling at reaching their goal of losing 10 pounds, Lupe was in the back row, sobbing because she felt like a failure because she had only lost 18 pounds (more than anyone else in the class).

“R” is the one most people have difficulty with. “R” means reasonable and fair. Many goals are specific, measurable and attainable, but, in your heart of hearts, it feels like punishment. If you think you “should,” it most likely means that it is someone else’s desire for you. This is where Bill dropped by the wayside. He insisted that running 10 miles a day, seven days a week was a SMART goal. But Bill had a full time job and was attending school at night. The unreasonable expectation of finding time for exercise every day with that kind of schedule set him up for failure.

“T” stands for Timely. You may have the best goal in the world, and it’s specific, measurable, attainable, and reasonable, but your in-laws are coming to stay with you for a month or you are having hip replacement surgery next week. See what I mean?

Get your head out of the clouds and back to earth. Unless your goal meets all five criteria you may be sabotaging yourself before you begin. Get SMART.

The other morning I got out of bed before my husband and, as I was brushing my teeth, I saw him get up and make the bed. Making the bed for my perfectionist husband means throwing the blankets willy-nilly back over the bed, period. What is wrong with this picture? Is that the way a perfectionist makes a bed?

I said, “Don’t bother. You know I am going to make the bed again the right way.” To which my loving spouse replied, “Of course, Madam Perfectionist.” How dare he call me a perfectionist! This from a man who took a year to complete making bookcases for the living room and got upset because they were 1/100 of an inch off.

I admit that I used to be a perfectionist and still have traces of it. I ask you, dear readers, what is perfectionistic about wanting to smooth the creases from the sheets, fluff the pillows and straighten the blankets so the wrinkles don’t show? It’s not as if I measure how many inches the comforter hangs off the floor. I don’t even demand hospital corners.

The trouble with perfectionism is that there are no concrete guidelines against which to measure bona fide perfectionism. Each purist stakes out an area to focus on. In that sector of life the need for perfection takes over, yet in other parts “good enough” is tolerated.

Monica Ramirez Basco, author of Never Good Enough, points out that perfectionists tend to fall into different categories, but all share the burden of having unreasonably high expectations. Some tend to be detail oriented while others are uncompromising about rules and structure. Another group’s behavior is influenced by their need to avoid mistakes. Most perfectionists worry about how they will look to others.

Although I don’t think I was expecting too much by wanting to have my husband make the bed the “right way,” the definition of “right” is what started our disagreement. People who are sticklers for doing things right are perfectionists if their standards are irrationally high. But who decides what is too high? There’s the rub.

My husband thought I was too demanding while I staunchly held to my belief that what I considered the right way to make a bed was reasonable. I am entitled to my preference for neatness. Which of us was right or were neither of us right?

As the day went on I started to doubt myself. Was my request a sign that I am still a perfectionist? According to Basco, one of the hallmarks of perfectionists is their discomfort and frustration if things aren’t done the way they want. Yes, I felt frustrated because I didn’t want to go to sleep in a “used” bed that night. That would feel icky.

Continuing to look into myself with rigorous self-honesty, I realized that I might still fit into the category that Basco describes as obsessive about rules and structure. I admit that I get a wonderful feeling of satisfaction putting things in order. Nothing beats using my label-making machine to create a load of files to store papers, articles and assorted detritus that wash up on my desk.

I even have a small notebook where I keep track of all the books I reserve at the library, in alphabetical order by author. Spending time in my hobby closet with the boxes that house the beads I’ve gathered over the years to create necklaces gives me great pleasure. I get a thrill looking at the boxes of red, blue, green, black, white, turquoise, and glass bits all in their proper containers.

Wait a minute! The reason I don’t accept the label of perfectionist is that I am not driven by the fear of what others will think since most of my orderliness is never seen by anyone but me. A place for everything and everything in its place seems reasonable to me. At my age it is mandatory since I frequently put things down and can’t remember where I put them.

Perhaps my love of order is because I have Virgo as the Rising Sign in my astrological chart. I have to go now because we’ve just put in new kitchen cabinets and I have to make sure everything goes in the right place.

Procrastinators are usually hard working, well meaning people who are puzzled that no matter how many resolutions they make and how hard they try, they can’t seem to get the job done… on time. Let’s look at the secret thoughts that are buried below the surface of their conscious minds to sabotage their best efforts.

1. I don’t deserve to get over this problem.
Greg’s stepfather resented him and showed it by calling him “Stupid.” After years of verbal abuse Greg thought he had developed a thick skin and wasn’t aware of the ways that his stepfather’s label was still affecting his life. Greg kept spoiling his chances for success at work and in love because there was a part of him that still believed he was dumb and undeserving.

2. God is punishing me.
Some people put off finishing projects because they are afraid that they are bad or sinful. They fear the wrath of an angry God. Greta kept putting off going on a diet because she believed that binge eating was gluttony; gluttony was a sin; therefore she was a sinner and God’s punishment was for her to stay fat and miserable. If she were to go on a diet she might lose weight and that would go against God’s will.

3. If I get over this problem I won’t be safe.
Fifty-year-old Tony was educated, held a responsible job and owned his own home, but he could not bring himself to pay his bills. For years his mother assisted him, and when she died his sister drove to town to help him out. When his sister passed away he was terrified since he had a fear of doing it wrong and didn’t know how to manage his checkbook.

In our work together Tony discovered that relying on his parental figures kept him a little boy. Only grownups have checkbooks. If he were to handle his checkbook responsibly it would mean he was an adult and didn’t need to be taken care of. As Tony came to terms with the fear of not being loved and nurtured that made him need to act like a child, he was able to take over his life and his bills.

4. I’m not sure I want to get over this problem.
Many years ago when I was still in the throes of severe perfectionism I lived near an adult education center that offered all sorts of interesting classes for a small fee. I was attracted to many of the self-help programs and didn’t hesitate to attend them. However, there was one class about working with clay that I wanted to try but couldn’t bring myself to sign up for. Each semester I thought about it but put it off once more. I was afraid of being judged a lousy artist and being embarrassed in front of the others. In order to keep that from happening I had to keep procrastinating. It was comforting.

I finally got over my fear and took the class. It was lots of fun and I was able to laugh at myself when I looked at my clunky bread basket. Once I could accept myself as much less than a perfect artist I took a class in making bead necklaces and discovered that I had some talent when it came to color and design. I was even able to sell my creations with pride.

5. If I get over this problem I will lose my identity.
My friend Eileen’s life seemed filled with one ordeal after another. It was more exciting than most soap operas. Once when things seemed to be calm for a change she became quite anxious. I asked her why she couldn’t enjoy the peace in her life, and I will never forget what she answered. “What’s wrong; nothing’s wrong; that’s what’s wrong!” Life was supposed to be a struggle, and she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. If she stopped procrastinating and completed things she might find herself leading a less stressful life. The idea really scared her. She was a drama queen who unconsciously needed to keep the status quo, although she couldn’t see it,

6. If I get over this problem it will be bad for someone else.
Paul, a man in his late forties, couldn’t keep his head above water financially. Most of his life he had avoided taking responsibility for his actions. His wife divorced him, and he lost many jobs. His elderly mother usually ran to the rescue and bailed him out by loaning him money to pay his bills. She was a widow. He was her only child, all she had in the world. Paul kept these patterns alive because on an unconscious level he was afraid that he would hurt her if he became totally self-sufficient since she needed to be needed.

I have observed that there is a reason why we act the way we do. Even procrastination makes sense if we discover the hidden thought or belief upon which we base our behavior. What hidden “Stopper” is keeping you from reaching your goal?

I should get my car washed. I should pay my bills. I should eat less. I shouldn’t sleep so late on the weekend. Our lives are filled with shoulds. Shoulds keep us on the straight and narrow path to goodness. What are shoulds and where did they come from? Of course we can trace them back to the original holy set, the Ten Commandments, but I am guessing that shoulds arose long before that.

A should is created when a group of people agree about how the world is or might be. But this may differ from culture to culture and century to century. Democrats have different shoulds about the world than Republicans. Believers and non-believers differ about the shoulds that label us good or bad. The shoulds of your family and friends may be diametrically opposed to those of your neighbor.

And shoulds lead to procrastination! Putting things off is often the result of your conflict with a should. That is because shoulds are inflicted on us from outside of ourselves. From our earliest years we are told what a good boy or girl should or should not do to gain approval from parent, teacher, family, community, and world. We are not given the opportunity to challenge these instructions. When we do we may land up going our own way and marching to our own drummer, but might also be carrying a load of guilt or shame about breaking away from what is expected.

Who says I should wash my car, pay my bills, and eat less? You may say that you do, but where did the original rule come from and who laid it on you? Take a moment to think about some of the things you are procrastinating doing right now? Pick one.

Pretend that you are standing in front of your local ATM about to make a withdrawal. This time you are going to withdraw some information. Pretend that you are typing in this question instead of the amount of money: “How young was I when I decided that I would be a bad person if I didn’t ___?” (Fill in the thing you are putting off) Take a deep breath and as you let it out a number will pop into your head.

As you know your age you may automatically know who told you it was wrong or bad. If not, do the ATM routine again asking for that information. Remember what was happening back then and how you felt when you were gifted with that should. Take a moment to acknowledge all the guilt or shame you have felt throughout your life each time you resisted. How often have you struggled with this and other shoulds handed down from generation to generation?

Please don’t think I am telling you to drop all shoulds and rebel against everything. The result would result in chaos and harm. Children need shoulds to help them conform the expectations of their culture and to keep them safe. But once we are grownups we can assess the rules and decide which ones fit our beliefs and which don’t.

Grownups can choose which expectations they want to or choose to follow. Try this. Go back to the should you chose above. Say it out loud to yourself, “I should do my laundry.” How do you feel? Is there tension in your stomach or throat? Do you feel ashamed of yourself for being lazy? Think about this for a moment. Do you want to do your laundry? If you don’t then are you willing to take the consequences; after all you are an adult and responsible for your actions. Make a decision and say either “I choose to do my laundry,” or “I choose to not do my laundry.” Does that feel different when you say it out loud?

Most people find that when they trade in their shoulds for choose to or choose not to, they get rid of a load of guilt and shame. See if you can eliminate the words should, shouldn’t, must, and have to from your life this week and see what happens.

Procrastinators come in all sizes and shapes, young and old, all colors, denominations, from all walks of life and many cultures. Putting things off or not finishing are behaviors that people adopt to avoid the pain of guilt, shame, anxiety and fear. I help them come to terms with this bad habit. Once and for all.

Procrastination is not a disease although procrastinators rarely seem to be able to recover from it. I looked up the word procrastination on Google and discovered that we tend to view procrastination as a horrendous condition, impossible to conquer. It is so daunting that, according to experts on many different websites, we should seek to: avoid it, trick it, manage it, get around it, learn to live with it, structure it, control it, reduce it or push past it. As a psychotherapist I know that it is possible to stop it.

You know, the interesting thing about procrastination is that everyone puts things off sometimes. Right now I have a pile of magazines that I haven’t finished reading, but I am not beating myself up about it. I look at the magazines and know that sooner or later I will read all of them. The main difference between my clients and me is that 1) I don’t procrastinate continuously, 2) I don’t label myself a procrastinator, and 3) I forgive myself when I procrastinate.

It’s not what we do that seems to matter, it’s what we tell ourselves about what we do that counts. In psychotherapy we call this a “self fulfilling prophecy.” That means that we unconsciously make it come true. Some common SFPs are “I always lose things,” “I’m unlucky in love,” “I’m clumsy.” The more we tell it to others and ourselves the more we believe it is the truth.

Procrastinators are not born; they are created. One of the primary causes of procrastination is what I call, I don’t wanna and you can’t make me! This starts in childhood. How may of us loved doing homework or studying for a spelling test? We would much rather have stayed out in the park playing ball, skating, bike riding or just watching TV. If you weren’t prepared for the test or didn’t like studying geography or math you might have dragged your feet when it was time to go home or hit the books. I remember all the times my college friends stayed up most of the night studying for a big exam or finishing a paper. By the time they were out of school this habit had taken hold and spread to different areas of their lives.

After years of working with them, I learned that few procrastinators put off undertakings in every area of their lives. Some delay more at work, and others dawdle in their private lives. There is a message in their behavior. Personally, I maintain that there is no such thing as LAZY. Lazy is what they call you when you aren’t doing what they want you to do —pick up your clothes, put your toys away, write thank you notes, practice the piano.

That brings me to the important question, who are They? They are the people who were in charge of you when you were growing up and learning how to be a civilized person. They include parents, teachers, relatives, clergy, police, the government, and God as interpreted through the Theys. Who were your Theys? What commandments did they hand down to you, and are you still trying to live by them? One of the things that makes me sad is that I often see an adult whose misery is created by living a life led under the critical gaze of someone who is long dead and gone but still lives inside the procrastinator’s head.

How old do you have to be to be able to decide how to live your life? A wise man said, “What other people think about you is none of your business.” List all the people who are still inside your head, and notice which ones are criticizing you. Write their names down on a piece of paper and announce, “That is just your opinion. It’s not the truth for me!” Seal the paper in a box or jar. Then exile it to the top shelf of a closet or bury it in the ground. Let me know what happens.